Doom Patrol
Snapshots & Dubious Stains
I strongly doubt any play report could ever truly encompass a Doom Patrol-based game using the Don't Rest Your Head system, so instead I offer a selection of notable quotes, memorable images and tantalising hints to whet the reader's appetite. These are, more or less, representative of each episode.
Issue #0: Continutity
"They are stuck up to the elbow in each other's flaps."
A gang of pimp-styled monkeys on very tall stilts stalk the heroes through an endless scrapyard of Deloreans, Edsels & Tuckers.
RR12, 1:15
A doctor carrying a single jigsaw piece, with his face obscured by a dinner-plate sized speculum, is turned into an old sepia photgraph of a stethoscope by a man in Victorian dining clothes with a squeezebox-style camera where his head should be.
"THERE IS NO M-WORD!!!"
Issue #1: The Wrongness in the Right
Introducing...
James Hollywood as Philip Huxtable De'ath, AKA 'PHD'
- He has many distinct personalities, each of whom is a known fictional doctor, e.g. Dr. Kildare, Dr. Lecter, Dr. Moreau, etc.
Ben Fortune as Samantha Carter
- All mathematical calculations in her vicinity operate according to a different set of basic operations and constants, therefore the laws of physics are hers to manipulate.
- 2+2=3
Scott Dorward as Eddie Stone, AKA 'The Nagging Doubt'
- A motivational speaker brought low by a glimpse into the meaningless heart of existence, now he can bring the element of doubt into anything.
- Currently feeling the heat from his last motivational talk, after which every member of the audience committed suicide.
Alex Vincent as Eden
- A traumatized teenage street person, something has triggered in her the power to craft & shape her own flesh at will.
Also featuring...
- Danny the Street, Doom Patrol's HQ
- Lex O'Cographer, caretaker and general dogsbody
The team form when EdEn is chased onto Danny the Street by an armed flashmob of right wing protesters, after PHD has shared his vision of a new Doom Patrol for the 21st century with his two 'volunteers'.
Eden enjoys a pint of pink Guinness and gets introduced to the Molotov Cocktail.
Sam's attempt at repealing the law of gravity is far too successful, but Eddie persuades Danny (yes, he persuades the street) that gravity is over-rated. Danny becomes the world's first UFT (Unidentified Flying Thoroughfare)
"Oooooh! Aaaaah! Wow!" (Appreciative crowd noises made by onlookers unaware that the fabulous meteorite display is the remains of the flashmob re-entering the atmosphere)
Headlines of tomorrow's Sydney Herald: Adelaide Destroyed!, Terrorist Cell 'Doom Patrol' Killed in Own Plot
Samantha is starting to feel a little unhinged.
Meanwhile, Mr Nobody and the New New New Brotherhood of Dada put in a brief cameo appearance, possibly because they feel Doom Patrol is competing with them to be the villains of this series!
Issue #2: Urban Renewal
Never trust sweet little old ladies, a lesson learned too late by a 6 secret agents and a classroom full of primary school children.
A good test to see if you have slipped into an alternate universe: nip into McDonald's and see if the food is edible.
"I need to punch a symphony!"
Danny the Street flees Earth's carnivourous cities.
"So we've broken a compact with the Hedgehog Foundation?"
All your cow are belong to us.
The Nagging Doubt buys Danny the Street flowers and wine by way of an apology.
These words were spoken by Scott Dorward: "So everything returns to normal"
"Now I get to keep the cows!!"
"The brownies want their cows back!!"
Who'd have thought that a handbag could hold so much in it? I wonder if its vacuum-proof?
Issue #3: "Woe, be gone!"
Featuring...
- Albrecht Wolfe, the Unchained Man, freed after 75 years trapped in the Hospital.
PHD starts merging all the Doctors who reside in the Hospital, resulting in the creation of Dr. Hannibal Scully...
Today on Perry Stringer: Women in Love with Phenomenological Anomalies.
Cornelius Fledermaus: apparently, its a pseudonym. Or not.
Dr. Zoidberg dances the mambo with terrorists... er, real ones that is, not Doom Patrol again.
"Is Al still visible?"; "Don't be silly"
The team come together and heroically put an end to world peace!
"Where are we going to find a pint of milk at this time?"
Doom Patrol face off against Mr. Nobody and the New New Brotherhood of Dada; Bliss and the Alarm fall quickly, Checkmate checks out quietly, the Part is AWOl and Mr. Nobody disappears over the horizon.
When denying the objective validity of surreal sub-dimensions, always remember to leave yourself an exit.
During a battle with the Acme Company's CEO (not yet in the form of the Tasmanian Devil), Samantha becomes the first member of Doom Patrol to crash! Lets hear a big round for Samantha!
Issue #4: Googleomancy
Using the above method of 21st century divination, Samantha discovers a new meaning for the phrase 'boom town', in that Adelaide is doomed to destruction in almost every conceivable parallel universe.
'Cold calling' also gets a new spin when frost forms on the receiver as the Nagging Doubt speaks to the Pentagon.
Project: Green Voodoo and Project: Hothouse
When Eden gets rewound to the age of 3, she becomes a small girl, to everyone's evident relief.
By a strange set of circumstances, the perfect moment for the song "Two Little Boys" by Rolf Harris is finally arrived at!
Adelaide gets fingered and a brief tribute to M. Night Shyamalan goes unnoticed.
"Fuck soya milk, we're going to the Pentagon!"
To add insult to injury, Adelaide gets wiped from the face of the Earth by one ordinary grenade.
"Can I get Adelaide wrapped to go?" (The reply was muffled by a lot of brown paper)
"Please don't eat the embodiments of nature"
Issue #5: Suppressed Memories
PHD leans over a small box and declares "I am your God, Adelaide!"
The edge of a circular shadow begins eclipsing Adelaide, as the pizza finally arrives.
The name of the Hospital where PHD's many persona's resid is, of course, St. Elsewhere.
Lights on! Lights off! The Slapper!
Dancing on Danny the Street... or an episode of mass epilepsy, whatever.
Joe Fridge is dead... but was he?!
"Hello, my name is Samantha Carter and I've been murder free for one week" (Yeah, a little like that episode of Dexter)
"You have Brenda's memories, but not her soul","Don't worry, we can work on that."
"You're just obsessed with hermaphrodites!"
"Yeah, the blue thing applies"
"I have my father's head, now I just need some animals!"
The definition of not being cruel to animals: not throwing the orangutan's head away.
"What are you going to do with all those plumbing supplies?" "Fix my plumbing"
"Can I just quote 'Dad's Army'?"
The fight for the custody of an identity: 'Brenda Vs. Brenda'
A reverse tontine: the first one to die gets everything!
Adelaide is crushed by the memories of Brenda.
Eddie saves the world through depression and self-doubt!
The Bureau of Missing is empty, so now the Empty Set is free!
Introducing a new member of Doom Patrol: Alex Vincent as Brenda Stone
- Unknown to everybody, this is actually Eden! She stretched her powers too far and ended up absorbing the memories of Eddie's wife, which with her fleshcrafting power meant she also took on her physical form!.
- This version of Brenda has the power of the rumour: anything she says may well be true!
Issue #6: Objets Trouves
"They're technically not his balls; does that make it a bit gay?"
"We're going to have a load of floaty blue things"
Trevor Morgan: Orangutan comic creator.
"I'm up to my nethers in apocalypse"
Fantastic rocket ship special effects prvided by Flash Gordon.
Blue Things in Space!
The 'Rough Guide to Atlantis' come with an OS map and plane tickets.
DPHQ is destroyed!
The Return of Drunk Angry Aquaman!
Spear throwing accountants ponder the reason for their very existence.
"You're angry and wearing a thong"
"I have a cunning plan for when I land"
Queen Superman becomes the star turn at the Perpetual Cabaret.
The team defeat Santa and spoil Xmas for everyone.
Issue #7: Cosmos & Chaos
Due to (select one)...
... the writer checking into the Priory...
... the original pencil sketches being adopted by the American Psychiatric Association as a replacement for ink-blots...
... the mysterious deaths of the entire panel of the Comic's Code Authority...
... cosmic rays: they mutated us into space armadillos...
... the endless kamikaze attacks by the Starsky & Hutch fan club...
... Cosmic Ray's: we stayed there all night getting stoned...
... pimp monkeys on stilts...
... the dead fish, stinking of cheap scotch, we received in the mail every morning...
... the endochronic properties of resublimated thiotimoline...
... recycled paper (covered in recycled ideas!)...
... apathy ...
... Issue #7 of Doom Patrol is not available, which is a shame, as it introduced these great characters:
James Hollywood as Gareth 'Gar' Jones, AKA 'The Ram'
- Shamed by his heritage, this half-man, half-sheep genetic experiment seeks fame & redemption with Doom Patrol.
- "Ramming speed!"
Scott Dorward as Saul Morris
- He's being killed by Ronald: that's the name of the psychic, self-aware brain tumour responsible for his powers.
- Saul and Ronald can tune into the sickness and disease of other things.
Issue #8: An Ornament & A Gentleman
Picking up from last issue, Brenda is the grip of the giant glass sculpture that towers over the Great Pyramid in the altered present where Earth is enclosed in a display case, while a space suit stuffed with moondust and Zombie Plato lead Gareth and Saul acrss the sand... yeah, you really missed something with Issue #7, never mind.
Diogenes spits out a weevil.
Saul brings on some acid rain.
"That's his testicles you're holding"
Adelaide's balls give us fairy milk: the winning line in our 'cut up this page and rearrange the words at random' contest. Also a strong contender for the 'How much trouble can we get this page into' contest!
Philosopher bowling: strike!
Men of Harlech: our battle cry!
"I've got an Uncle Dafyd but I don't listen to him!" (This was an incredibly funny response to what had just been said: we've all sworn never to tell anyone why though, so nyer-nyer)
"You are retarded", "No, I'm Welsh"
Existence of galaxy shortened by... ONE BILLION YEARS! (Yes, there was a Dr. Evil style delivery to that)
In one panel, a single shared speech bubble, taking up most of the space, even though everybody is saying the same word very quietly: "Crap"
"Aim for the bouncy castle!"
Speculation on the use of kryptonite rubber dildos in an S&M context.
Monochrome Zombie Lucy Goes On The Rampage! (Lucille Ball, philistines)
"So someone's going to get eaten by the Beaver","Now rearrange those words into a sentence"
Saul's complete bio: life is pain and then you die.
"I just broke the fourth wall","You'll have to pay for that"
"I own his ass!","In that wheelchair, you never see it"
"I'M WELSH!!!"
Monkey Girl and Sheep Boy: even if they don't work out as a superteam, they'll make a great German porn film.
"And that is how you beat up little children"
The angry ghost of intellectualism gets infected by the cancer of post-modernism.
Cliff-hanger: Mr. Nobody and the New Brotherhood of Dada return!
Issue #9: The Sun Always Shines On TV
5 years have passed: The Ram is head of the JLA, Brenda has remarried and a powerful healer works at curing the world's sick... his name is Ronald Salk and he is haunted by the screaming voice of Saul.
"Ronald's going down; I'm going to metastasize!"
12 year old boy enters the blood-daubed and gory bedroom of his parents and his mother says "I told you not to come in without knocking!"
Ever noticed how the smell of burning doctor just seems to cling to you?
In case of war, break Brenda.
Speculation on whether Marilyn Momroe & JFK ever had to use a stool.
The power of denial is employed as a siege weapon.
What is the technical name for a sheep gun? An Ovinimator?
The stakes on one roll were whether or not a sheep had scrapie.
"Danny! Get them in!"
The new mother brings beer! It helps to soften the trauma.
This issue also introduced...
Ben Fortune as Joanna
- She's indescribable...
- ...but she does make movie props that really do what they are supposed to!
Issue #10: Hero Worship
And the answer to the question posed in the previous issue was: a Ewezi...
"He can't find a back passage to accomodate his girth"
Guest Villainess: the Bust, a well-endowed woman who drains finances from the men around her...
Zatanna's Hen Night: who was she getting married to then?!
A hot tip for seducing fans of Tom Jones: kick out their Zimmer frames and take advantage of their vulnerability.
Self-abuse is its own reward.
"Forget your chemo, she's interfering with Tom"
The Ram and Saul both deal with a couple of bouncers...
In the tradition of throwing underwear at Tom Jones, it is more usual to make sure it is unoccupied.
I took a break from doing things and let Mr. Hollywood run a portion of the game with a lot of DC continuity...well, Scott does that sort of thing in his games all the time!
Tom Jones is the ultimate Viagra!
"Delirium was trying to get me drunk!", "Like you've never used that line before..."
Things start leaking out of Cardiff, which explains Captain Jack.
"DON'T - PISS OFF - THE CLUB OWNER!"
The Ram headbutts a black hole.
"Do you want me to check if that's a normal child?"
"Ve must fight the Evil Obstrecians of the Serpent God!" - Arnold Schwarzenegger's guest shot.
"IT'S - NOT - BUFFY!"
"You are never giving Danny Mexican food again!"
"Apparently she was wearing knickers under that toga", overheard as Odin picks a foreign object out of his drink.
The raven who receives Fox News has to fly around in circles, 'cos he's only got a right wing.
Spectacular Final Issue! #11: The Royal Road
1 month after the birth of the Hero Messiah...
Saul, the Surgeon General, is called to a meeting with God-President Kal El, who wants Saul to sober up aquaman so that he can step down from the presidency. Then the president is shot with a Kryptonite bullet!
Joanna is implicated in the plot to kill the president, but is she only guitly of screwing up an attempt to save the world from her own SFX creations? Wonder Woman, head of Homeland Security, and Batman, director of the FBI and the CIA, attempt to ascertain the truth.
Meanwhile, Eden tires of being the Mother Goddess and goes shopping in Paris.
"Well, Australia is an island in the Pacific..." - An example of how innocent words lead to great tragedies.
"Stop gibbering and pass me the Tipp-Ex" - How to edit Holy scripture.
She got so bored she tore off her own foot!
"She looks a bit cheap", "Can we fix that in post-production?"
Adelaide, Siamese-Twinned with Swansea.
Someone had to put a lot of coins in the metre to pay for parking Swansea there.
And then they woke up... no, really. All the heroes & villains, everyone who was too large for this life, they all left or gave up the things that made them different. Danny the World provided sanctuary for those who wanted to leave, for everybody else... the world woke up the next morning and the adventures of Doom Patrol and everyone like them were just fantasies in the pages of a comic book.
Which is true, isn't it?